no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
