True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
