I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Randomize
