unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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