even my farts smell like vagina
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
