A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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