Umm I'm too high to move.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
