Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
