What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
smell my finger.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
