She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
