peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
This baby is an asshole
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
