I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize