Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
