Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
