I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
