I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
