every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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