I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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