who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Randomize
