Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
