i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
two words...techno handjob
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize