What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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