my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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