Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you would pick up someone in the library
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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