you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
whose parrot is this?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
