My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
