I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
