why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
