I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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