Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
