apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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