I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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