There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
