I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
false alarm, still single
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
