also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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