My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
