Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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