WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
