i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
