she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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