Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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