The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
