I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
