I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize