I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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