I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
