I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Panties = found
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