The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
