I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
