you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
