i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
