I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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