I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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