I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
